Spnak

I have a dream that I will return to blogging and receive a rapturous return from my hundreds of adoring fans. They will await my every word, they will fawn over my every drop letter and drip over my misplaced semi colons (They have to be misplaced I dunno where to use em normally).

I have given those dreams and now blog just for the need to write something down now and again and If anyone reads it then have a blast. My blog will never go away. I have too much there to get rid of it… i just don’t have that much to say anymore. Maybe that will change now that I have more time on my hands. You see dear me.. I lost my job last week. I am now unemployed and for all intenets and purposes unemployable. When you can’t leave the house on your own it makes it a bit difficult to do a days work. I am pretty sure that they don’t allow you to bring your mum to work every day to keep the nasty people from looking at me and talking about me.

Am I downhearted?…. Nah. I knew it was coming I was just suprised it took em so long to do it. The kill was done swiftly enough… about Four weeks from start to finish and that included going to see a works doctor in the middle. If i was looking for another job about now I would be sweating it, but given my health issues work isn’t really a priority at the moment. Getting to a place where i can leave the house unaccompanied is what is on my mind at the moment.

I know I said I wasn’t going to be writing about my Bipolar on here any more but it seemed like the right thing to do and I am not really talking about it it’s just in the background as it always is. I have come to the realisation that no matter what I do I have to take into account the hallucinations, the voices and the paranoia first and then get into the right headspace to do what ever it was I needed to get done in the first place. Some would say it would just be as easy to not do anything and just be strange for the rest of my life…. hey it’s an option I have considered.. but I can’t afford the Tin foil for the hat and windows just yet, but I have a savings plan for it and my design for the tin foil hat is coming along nicely.

I have had an Elvis evening. I downloaded a 10 cd japanese boxset and have just gotten around to listening to some of the tracks of it. It’s the complete singles collection so It has all his well known stuff and stuff that I dug from growing up in a family full of Elvis fans. Looking back to my childhood, Elvis was everywhere. My Uncle Barry did an oil painting that hung on our living room wall for as long as I can care to remember. It was like those pictures of the Mother Mary Catholics have on thier walls, I almost prayed to that damn picture. When I was 7 or 8 I went away on a school camp and we had a talent night, and everyone had to do something … I did my Elvis impression… the kids didn’t get it but the Teachers dug my gyrating hips and snarl. They either got it or they were laughing at me for being a dork… in my present state of mind i think it was the latter HAHAHAHA.

Well that’s it from me for one night.

Until Next Time…

A snapshot of my mind

It’s been a tough few weeks for me but I won’t be commenting on my bipolar much here anymore. I have started a new blog just for my Bipolar ranting. If anyone is interested just drop me a comment and make sure you include your email address and i’ll send you the link.

Here’s to the fun times returning to spnak soon.

Until Next Time…

I been down so god-damn long… it looks like up to me….
I been down so Very very long… It looks like up to me…

I know Jim Morrison didn’t write that, but it was his version I was listening to last night and I’ll be damned if it’s not stuck in my head today. What makes it even more ironic is that I actually can relate to the emotion and the words of this song.

I started writing and it started to flow and t he all of a sudden I had written about the dark side again, about suicide and how it woudl all be so easy to end everything. It’s strange because I was and am writing at work and it’s very bitty the way I can write here. Calls always interupting the flow, but for some reason today it’s a constant stream of bullshit. I don’t want to feel the way I do, I want to feel the shiney happy people feelings.

OK I had to stop posting at work it got to busy, so now I am home and carrying on… not that you really needed to know that, but if it seems a little more disjointed than usual then there you have it.

(more…)

One of the hardest things about having Bi Polar is the medication you have to take to stay on an even keal. In me it saps all my creativity and leaves me a shell of the creative self I used to be.

Before I was diagnosed with Bi Polar and started on the cocktail of meds that I have been subjected to for the past three or so years I used to write poetry and had a wicked sense of humour (so I was told). I used to be spontanious and on the ball, now I have to plan my day around taking medication and remembering when to eat and general mundane everyday stuff.

When I do get a spark of poetic inspiration I tend to write quick. My only problem is that what I write is usually so dark it depresses me even more. I ocassionally think about giving up the medication just to see if I can get my old self back again, even if it’s just a diluted version, it would be better than this pathetic husk I have become.

You may well be asking why the pity party today. No Reason just to much time on my hands and nothing to watch on TV. It’s not really a pity party it’s more of a extrapolation of where my head is at at the moment. I am trying to bring some reason to my life and where I can move myself forward to. I am back to work tomorrow after almost a month of work. I had a rather nasty (if I say so myself) bout of Paranoia. This time it was just the paranoia without the voices which has never happened before. Usually the voices lead to the paranoia, which is how I know that I am heading for problems and I can get some help. This time it was just BOOM! The room closing in on me and people watching me all over the office and wherever I went. I still don’t feel 100% but I can’t afford to take anymore time off work. Having said that I may not have a job much longer anyway, I have been on my last warning for the last couple of months. We shall just have to see what the next week or so brings when i go back. It’s time to pony up and be the best Beeper I can.

Until Next Time…

There have been a few subtle changes and additions around here over the past few days. The one I like the most is the Twitter box over on the right hand side of the screen your now looking at. Twitter is a neat way to pass some time. Go here to find out more.

If you look up at the yellow bar under the header you’ll see two new links. one is pictures which says on the tin what it is on the inside. if your using IE7 or Firefox 2.x then if you hover over the box you’ll find a little drop down menu… each box in the drop down leads to a new page. If your using IE6 or less then you may be out of luck, as my blog is not pretty in IE6 (I know I tried it at work).

The other new link up there is a candid look at my bipolar life. I wrote it as a free form thing. It has structure of sorts but there is not real editing in there, so if you see any typos or English errors…. sorry bout that I’ll try harder next time.

That’s the blog news and now about me (oh selfish one that I am)

I am having a hard time keeping my shit together at the moment. Major Paranoia happening. The Psych has me on to new medications amiprozole for the paranoia and lorazapam for the anxiety caused by the paranoia. I have to get back in touch with him next Thursday. I am taking things one day at a time.  don’t know about work, all i know is that I have Pink Floyd playing as i write this and it’s calming my down a little more that the Lorazapam. I think I am going to cook dinner today and do it early… i am boredof eating dinner at 9pm+

That’s it from me this time.. see three posts in one month so far… you lucky lucky people

Until Next Time…